Pulling Teeth with Billionaires
You are not locked inside Twitter with Elon Musk. He is locked inside it with you.
There isn’t a billionaire alive who doesn’t want to be richer. That is what my dentist told me, his arm halfway down my throat, pulling at the third of four wisdom teeth like a terrier. I was in no shape to talk, all pumped with painkillers, but he knows I don’t enjoy the silence.
It was just before midday when a judge halted Elon Musk’s multibillion dollar takeover of Twitter, and I was sitting at my desk looking at my phone. It could have been any day this week. The man has been pacing his cell for months, twisted between a bad joke and a serious commitment. A comical but real takeover attempt, where the World’s Most Popular Billionaire had his bluff called and then some.
He may be able to get out of it yet.
The man complains constantly about artificially juiced up follower numbers, or fake accounts that swarm the platform all giddy and desperate. But there is no one in the papered-over halls of Twitter HQ – even its meditating founder – who would’ve anticipated someone being foolish enough to buy. So here is some free advice: if you are going to play games, skip over the group looking hollow and broken, spinning in circles, launching features and bugs and announcements; a dog chasing a car filled with High Grade TNT. We live in desperate times, and there is nothing more desperate than the Great American Dream. A lion will kill its cubs when it is starving and strung out.
Anxiety? You bet. The world we have built online is riddled with it. Even if there was a cure, no one wants to hear a word. And now we are readily bombarded with cyber attacks and privacy breaches – the largest in Australian history – a Cerebrovascular Accident that came on strong and hit at the spine of the nation. You ask me if I am worried about the world seeing my search history; I tell you I am worried about seeing yours. That is what should spur great globs of anxious peril in us all: the actions of others. Life might be tough online, but we still have rules. Like the scumbag magician at a traveling fair, it is what we don’t know that will truly scare us.
And so Elon has had his own conversations spread to the public: a sad old bunch of gracious pleading between millionaires and billionaires, a class divide most of us will never understand. Rest assured, it exists. Even diplomats are telling him to fuck off.
It happens occasionally, when the curtain is pulled back, and the man with his greasy palms on the controls is revealed to be a naked brute with his pants down. And there are many of these dolts in our world right now. No smarts, no compassion, no unheard of skills. Just that common desperation we all learn to hide as children. There is plenty of it in Mr. Musk’s inbox. A takeover of Twitter! Let’s organise a call. I will have my aids circle back. It is just one big pool of money for the both of us. Don’t be greedy, now.
What a rotten week for sports.
So what are we going to do, eh? There are few parties thrilled by the Twitter deal, other than the folks holding the purse. The reactionary among us have their teeth out, gnashing and raving, gleefully waiting for Musk’s Twitter vision. Those working within the company are hogtied, unsure what to look forward to or how to weather the storm. There is no equity left for Twitter’s blue collar worker. You are just another spoke in the wheel.
And then we have those with a voice, flirting and demanding there be no changes made. Swearing on God that should the Tesla owner take over they’d be out of there like spit. But we all know the rub: no one who has spent the last decade building a following has anywhere else to go. There is nothing wrong with that. Take advantages when they come. Only a fool would miss an opportunity like that.
The only people who will actively consider leaving Twitter after the Musk takeover are those who don’t have their entire career prospects tied to it. And there are many, many of you – myself included. Everything else is posturing.
But so what? You can only ever play the field.
You are not locked inside Twitter with Elon Musk. He is locked inside it with you.